I Attempted Suicide Twice for my Chronic UTI / Interstitial Cystitis Symptoms
I'm not going to lie. I have felt suicidal on a lot of days during the worse flares and pains of my chronic UTI symptoms (which are similar to IC symptoms) from the extreme fear and anxiety that I wouldn't heal. I went from a happy healthy lady to someone who was completely bedridden, can barely leave the bedroom, and constantly running to the washroom every 20 minutes. Right after I would urinate, I would already feel the urgency to urinate again immediately after, but only drips of razor blade pain drops would come out. So I started to hold it in for every 20 - 30 minutes, and then urinate. My urethra was on raging fire, and the urine was hot and stinging. It was like this 24/7, day and night. And worse at night. I couldn't sleep for several nights because I was waking up every hour to pee. I wanted to just die.
This had been on and off since February 2018, and I started feeling suicidal in April two months later. I guess I could say I was weak, because there have been lots of IC and UTI warriors out there who have lived like this for years and years. Then again, I have also read and came across IC and undiagnosed Cystitis patients who killed themselves. I won't post those stories up, but you can find them on Google, it's very sad and I realized I wasn't the only one feeling this way.
I live in a condo high up and I thought about jumping off my balcony to my death. So many times, I considered it. I thought about just popping a bunch of pills and mixing it with alcohol, and then jumping down to die. I also thought about hanging myself in my room, or mix pills with alcohol and sit in the bath tub to die. I even went so far to email a Euthanasia doctor named Dr. Wim Distelmans in the Netherlands, asking him if I could fly to him and have him assist me to death. I asked him how much he would charge to take away my life, because I was suffering so much and at the time, I didn't know that there were cures to IC! He never replied however, so I guess Canadians don't qualify for whatever program he had.
I wanted to die a dignified death so I emailed Dignitas and received information from them on how to proceed. But it was only for terminal illness or mental illness and would take a long process for them to verify everything. I didn't want to wait.
So eventually, I did the unthinkable, I attempted suicide on June 9th via low suspension hanging (google Kate Spade and L'Wren Scott). It wasn't just an overnight thought, suicide was brewing in my mind over the course of 1.5 months. It was a failed suicide, and I would attempt it a second time again (and failed) on a future date. I did not tell any of my medical practitioners this, because if they found out, they could have locked me up at the time. Then I would be worse off, locked up somewhere with the bladder problems and not eating the right foods to manage the pain. It was either all or nothing -- to succeed in the suicide, and if alive - then say nothing to anyone.
If you are feeling suicidal, there is a letter on the Inspire forum about a woman who wrote that she was suicidal from IC at one point. She was holding a gun and thinking whether or not to shoot herself. She is now alive and living a wonderful life without pain. So stop thinking badly and keep looking for alternative ways and/or cures. She had her bladder taken out and has no more IC symptoms. Here is a screenshot of the post, or you can read the whole thing at Suicide and IC. The moral of the forum is: "Take out your bladder before you take your life." That made a lot of sense. I hope it inspires you not to think about suicide anymore.
So there are different ways to take out the bladder. Taking out your bladder is called cystectomy. I read that you can have an artificial bladder put in, but I don't think I would go for that because I read of some patients who still felt IC and UTI symptoms and phantom pain with the fake bladder inside them!! Then there is another way where they take out your whole bladder and you wear a pouch that sticks out on your body (abdomen( and the urine goes to that pouch you wear on your body. I'm not vain, I totally would go for that if I don't find a way to heal or manage my IC. I think it's called a urostomy bag, or stoma bag (not totally sure). There is even a designer out there who makes these pouches fashionably pretty or cool looking to wear on your body. It doesn't bother me, because I grew up with a parent who had their colon taken out from cancer and had to wear a ostomy bag for the rest of their life. My parent was able to go to work, live a full life, go on vacation while wearing the bag - it just required more maintenance. But before you think about taking out your bladder, I was able to cut my stinging urine down by 60% - 70% through food alone within a month's time frame back in April. At the time of this writing, my urinary burning is almost non-existant. However, the sharp frequency remains and there is this dull bladder pain. Give that a try and see if that eases your pain. How did I do it?